she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
