I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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