dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
