Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
