history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
