I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
