I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
im having a threesome with these popsicles
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
