tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
