I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
