Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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