Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
