my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
