6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
