Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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