he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize