i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
