I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
