Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
