Me. At least after what I've been through.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
