just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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