i need an iv and a liver transplant
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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