I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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