Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
