my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize