We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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