I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
