Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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