Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
