I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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