If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
