You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
