I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
