i'm signing you up for texting rehab
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
