Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
