every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
