God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
