I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
