i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
