Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
