so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
