i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We left the knife in your bed.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
