No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize