New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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