Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
