dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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