I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
