what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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