Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
