Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
