my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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