Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize