Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
