I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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