Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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