when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
