You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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