Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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