she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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