I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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