And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
