I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
