My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
