My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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