hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You made out with two different species that night
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
