i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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