thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
